Minecraft & Reality

When I finally ran this game on my souped-up PC connected to my Nokia 3310 after a few weeks, my first words were; "Howdy, 1992!" You probably know where I'm going with this. The graphics looked like something from the days when people didn't shave their armpits. But I didn't immediately get mad over it, and got to playing. I spawned around some trees, and apparently I was naked, because I felt like something was blowing up my ass. Oh, it was just a computer fan. But it's quite a nice feeling. As soon as I saw as I saw the trees, I started chopping. But whoops - the tree was still standing after a few cuts, and worse, it was levitating in the air. Are we somewhere on Pandora where islands of trees fly? Or is the world's most persuasive magician Chris Angels somewhere nearby, who has to point out 37 times on his show that everything is shot in one take and nothing was pre-arranged with anyone beforehand, or what, dude? After browsing around for a while, I came across some local animals. I identified them more by sound, because this game needs a lot of imagination. It's like when Jeff says he really wants to work. In the sound of a pig, I recognized a friend of mine who makes the exact same tones when he's drunk on a Friday trying to hit on girls with the line "I've seen better ones"; And the girls usually reply "and I've seen bigger ones". After 5 minutes of playing I hit the water, so I decided to freshen up a bit. There were pigs swimming in the sea several meters in front of me, which surprised me a bit; because there were no pigs swimming around anywhere in Titanic. If there were, all 2223 passengers would have boarded them, and sailed on them all the way to New York, where they were also originally headed. Too bad. I'd have loved to see Jack and Rose sail the pig past the Statue of Liberty. Damn, I always get a kick out of that idea.

When I got back on land, I decided to do some fishing. I was running around the woods, hitting animals with my bare hand. But that seemed a bit inhumane, so I spent the rest of the game trying to make a living with mushrooms, which led to hallucinations, and I saw Jeff actually find a job. The end of the day approached, and the sun began to set, and I felt like I was in Varnsdorf. It was crawling with strange characters stealing blocks, and they kept disappearing. I was afraid they might steal a kidney or something, but I had a lighter with me in case they wanted to light a cigarette. They kept quiet, but I was still outnumbered. I lit a square of fire around a tree and climbed up the tree, where I stayed until morning. The next morning I went underground. I thought I would have some privacy there, and I could finally relieve myself. But alas, no. There were monsters shooting and banging at me from all sides, and at times I even saw Justin Bieber in the dark. So I quickly took my ass out of the cave and fled back to the surface, where I built a portal to the Nether.

This is where I started having a bit of a personal problem. Nether in Minecraft represents a kind of hell, and since a lot of people don't believe in hell, or their religions don't believe in hell, there can be a problem. Fortunately, I blindfolded myself with a sock worn for 5 days right at the beginning, and kept going blindly forward until I fell into the lava and killed myself. I still wake up today to my own sputters, I mean, screams, and I see that sock right in front of me. How I just hate it. As soon as things calmed down, I decided to build myself a little house. But again, I couldn't believe my own tapeworms. The blocks are flying in the air! And no one seems to mind. Damn it, where are the laws of gravity? How are physics teachers gonna figure that out when someone tells them? That'll be another suicide. Then I wonder where the guy keeps getting those blocks of that size? Where does he put them? I tried to put one of those blocks in my pants at home, but I didn't feel at all comfortable. I guess you could say I felt a little weird. Maybe even weirder than when I carried a logarithmic ruler in my pants all through high school, even though I never needed it for anything. I tried the same thing at home with a pickaxe and a shovel, and let me tell you, don't try it at home. It's a really weird feeling to have something that big in your pants.

I also couldn't understand why gold and diamonds are used to make shovels and pickaxes in the game. You know, if I would've found gold or diamonds, I would hire a company or Jeff to mine more for me. Another thing I couldn't get over was the music. Silence for an hour, like everyone's iPhones dropped into a potato masher, and then, just as I'm taking my time digging, a piano melody starts playing like in the movie where Pikachu dies of testicular cancer. Is it really that hard to record something more fitting for that in there? After 6 hours of playing, I'm starting to feel like Jeff. Only I'm mining for free, and 389 times faster than him. Still, I don't turn the game off and keep playing. I also tried to craft something, but I failed, as you need to know 82 million combinations to make something. And who the fuck is supposed to remember it all? But I was wondering if you can make something in real life. So I put some money and a condom on a table, but still no fine model. So I tried something simpler. But even combining a video camera and a banana didn't give me naturalistic porn with a story and a wedding at the end. So for the third time, I tried combining some of my hair and Pikachu. And I was born once more.

Minecraft isn't a bad game, you can have fun with it for the rest of your life, but you can't compare those things to real life. Otherwise you'll shit yourself. Literally. Pikachu, get me some toilet paper. So my rating is 8 out of 10; and be glad I don't know what number comes before the 8, or I would have given it.